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Jakarta, August 13th 2014
09:42 PM
My mind never seems to stop wonder. Capturing and re-living the old memory. The good and the bad. The sad and the happy. They say the greatest struggle a person have to endure is his own memory, especially those who posses a strong one.
We often got caught up of our own idea, on how we as a human being describe happiness. For some it's getting an extra hour of sleep, for others is the gentle reminder that the ugliness of this world will come to and end soon enough. For me, it's the idea of being able to eat a substantial amount of fries without the fear of getting a heart attack and gaining weight in the process.
This passed couple of weeks i've been trying to write down my thoughts. Last week an idea sparks in the middle of an important meeting. Darn it i say, if only i have a telekinetic ability to move my computer's keyboard and type everything with my mind. When i tried to write it down after the meeting was finish, i couldn't even write one sentence.
Last night a close friend of mine came by to the house for a quick "Hello, how's life treating you?" kind of conversation. I praise Allah for sending me him to my doorstep as i've been desperately need to talk to another human being face to face. We talk and talk until we conclude one thing. There's a time in our life where we are trying to 'fix' someone but ended up destroying ourself in the process. Love validate that concept when you convince that making other people happy WILL make you happy.
So tonight we're talking (read : me, typing) about happiness.
The satisfaction and the contentment that you felt when you know the reason behind someone else's smile is your presence, its out of this world. Just yesterday the world mourn when the 'funniest man alive' took his own life. Depression, anxiety, self hate and probably a dozen other reason behind it. Wallahu'alam
"The loneliest people are the kindest, the saddest people are the brightest. All because they do not wish to see anyone suffer like they do"
I found this incredibly true. Which bring me to the story. I don't understand what depression is, i don't know the sign, heck, i once have the idea that depressed people are only looking for attention. Well, that's it actually. I never knew i was suffering years of depression until i finally came out of it.
For years i've been hiding something that i never knew i had from everyone including my family. Years of humiliation, physical and emotional abuse explode the second my parents got divorce. I refuse to go home and lock myself in my dorm rooms for months. Class then dorm for three straight months. I stop eating, smoked a hell lot of cigarette. For the second time, i tried to commit suicide. Until one day a good friend who was like a brother to me, looked me in the eye and hugged me. I feel down to the ground, sobbing and screaming. Deep down in my heart, i was convince that Allah gave me another change.
I was young, i was naive, i didn't get the proper help that i needed and ended up in square one. Tired of all the sadness, i swept everything under the rug and pretend everything is okay. My torn apart relationship with my dad and a series of other event brought me down to the deepest depression.
But it seems Allah still have faith in me. I found the courage that i never knew i have and seek proper help. The spiritual journey has also help me tremendously. I still have sadness as it's something inevitable. But the key to recovery is to admit that you have a problem. My problem is, i never feel good enough and that's what killing me. I'm too focused on someone else's happiness and don't have any idea what happiness is outside of that.
I fallen do the deepest pit of sadness and tried to commit suicide, again. I still wake up the next day. I had enough. Blessing of this world is not worth the self pity, letting the sense of abandonment dictate your everyday life. That wasn't Fitria. I want to be me once more.
Depression, sadness, loneliness is a serious problem. The key to battle this stuff is first, make peace with yourself. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step. People around you can give advice all they want, but until you, yourself admit that you have to seek help, that's the first step to recovery.
Seeking perfection is an age old battle everyone have to face until i realise as a human being, being perfect is not my final destination. There are no such things as perfection. We need to stop beating ourself and others with our hateful comment. The funny thing is, people say when they love someone they are not shy to critique them. I'm all up for it, it's called constructive criticism. But what if it's all the way around? Then you, my friend, have no idea what love is. Words are sharper than knife. Believe me, i know.
So what's next?
Two words.
Make peace.
Whether with yourself, with others and with your past. Do it now, as we don't know when our time is up and i pray that none of us going to die with regret because things do get better. But it's only have the power to do so. As we will never master the art of making others happy before making ourself feel happy.
Be happy love.
<3
Fit
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