Quarter-Life Crisis : Questioning, Searching and Defining One's Faith

Human are inherently good. Some people believe that statement does not apply to every human being. 

A stranger once asked, "Are you a good person? What makes you think you are a good person? And how do you measure that?"

One of the hardest question ever asked i must say.

My answer was :

"I believe i am a good person. I don't need a reason to believe so and i don't think we can ever measure as being 'good'. 

Lot of times people judge themselves as 'bad' based on the event that happened in their life. Whether it's a bad decision, they hurt other people or themselves, ect. There's a million things you can think about off.

What about the saying "Why bad things happen to good people?"

6 months ago, i might not able to answers the question but now, i have totally different way of seeing that.

Everywhere in the world, people have problems. Some got evicted, some lost their jobs, some lost their family members, some got sick, some are homeless and so on. Some happened because our mishaps, some is beyond our control.

We (or at least i am) got caught up by our problems, all the time. Whether we willing to admit that or not. My problem right now is i think, no, i AM having a Quarter-life crisis. Although i've never been so sure about my faith at the same time i never been so worried about my future. Ironic isn't it?

When you have more conviction about your believes, you should have more confident in God to take care of your future? Absolutely. But, it's always a cliché answers but people thinks beyond their limit.
When they should just go on with their business, do the best in their ability and let God take care of the rest.

Believe me my friend, i am trying, as we speak. It's easier said then done. So here i am, trying to fully submit myself. I'm trying to find a way. 

Having more faith actually turn me into somewhat more curious about my religion. Curious in regards on how God works His wonder. How Prophet Adam AS come to exist and the rest of humanity come together in today's society. How my decision to put on a hijab somehow gives me more conviction that the piece of cloth really does give me the feeling of liberation.

The world seems opening up. Now with humility i can define myself as the student of knowledge. I'm studying the language of my beloved Prophet Muhammad Peace be upon him. I'm trying to understand and getting to know more about Allah Azza wa Jal trough His book, The Qur'an. This life guide book that i didn't touch for more that five years.

I'm just planted my seed a couple weeks ago, i still have a loooooooooooooooong way to go in this 'religious' area. Somehow, i began to understand more about human interaction. Quarter life crisis, doesn't seem that bad after all.

In some area, i do feel like i'm evolving as a human being. No longer just planning things, i actually doing something about yes. Not every aspect in my life are perfect, i still haven't find any job and feeling quite lonely sometimes. I still have the fear of being an old maid living with twelve cats, five dog, three rabbits and a gold fish. But Allah Azza wa Jal created everything in pair, so i have some ease in that area. That Another wonderful thing is i have a new perspective on the word 'relationship',

According to Oxford dictionary, the definition of the words are :

The way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected.

In one hand, i agree. In the other hand i totally disagree.

Notice the word "two or more people". I feel the definition reducing the scope of the word relationship itself. Often enough, the word relationship only linked to romantic relationship. That is absolutely bull.

If i say, i'm in a relationship with God, i'm in my relationship of my study, i'm in a relationship of myself? Is that not a relationship? My friend might mock me or tell me i sound desperate. But how can i some desperate if i'm trying to find my own definition?

The more i go deep, the more i found answers but i also found more question. I always wonder how should i manage this emotion with in me. It's inevitable, i can't run away from it. How should i manage this problem that i have? I found my answer.

God.

Cliché. I know.

I sat in front of my computer earlier, watching a lecture about literally characteristic of the Fatiha. In Islam, we believe that Allah have 99 names. In one of the Ayah, the name Al-Rahmaani Alraheemi. The lecturer explain that the word structure of Al-RAHMAAN indicates transience, occurrence, absoluteness and extremeness to the nth degree. Of what? Protection. Mercy.

At that moment, i recall an event that happened for years ago and believe that i got saved. Back then, the rebellious old me was dating a punk guy until i found out that he was cheating on me. I was very upset back then but that small event that got me realize that Allah Azza wa Jal has protect me from something, i don't know, i can't find the words.

From there i try to connect my dots, recalling every singe 'bad' event that had happened throughout the years. The answer that i'm looking for is been there all along, it's in me. Why it has to take this long, Fitri?!

How about my fears toward the future? The answer is Tawwakul. In the Arabic language, is the word for the Islamic concept of reliance on God or "trusting in God's plan". Simple. 

So there lies my answer i've been searching for all along. I refuse to believe that bad things that happen in my life is a form of punishment. Growing up, i believe that when bad things happen to me is because God are mad at me, therefor the punish me with a form of hardship. That is misleading, man!

The things that we interpret as 'bad' are actually Him saving us. Maybe the way He did it not so pleasant by our definition but it doesn't change the fact that He is actually giving us a favour. The form of being 'punish' no longer connect when Allah Azza wa Jal that i know now is my Devine love. Say Alhamdulillah in any situation. I am Muslim, so therefor i am the people of Alhamdulillah.

Although i live in one of the most stressful & congested city and one of the most corrupt country, least i am free. I have a roof over my head, i have my family, i have the freedom to practice my religion without any fear, unlike the brothers and sisters that live in western world. No one shooting at me and trying to bomb my house. There's no American troops running around shooting civilian. There's nothing more i cherish now that being able to cover my head and not having anyone spat or even trying to remove my headscarf from my head. For that i say, Alhamdulillah. 

Never have i'm being this blown away by my own chains of thought. You know what, it's not mine either, it's His gift. Everything in this life is His favor. This compassion feeling, this ability to love Him, the ability to cry for Him, it's all a gift. I never felt so special in my life.

Ups and downs of life is sure still out there to discover but for now, this moment, right now, everything is perfect. Because of Him.

All Thanks and Praise are due to Allah, may He be Glorified and Exalted.



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