Okay... Where should i start. Let's just say this Saturday morning hasn't been a pleasant one for me. I woke up thanking Allah that He still give me another day to live. But then i kept thinking about that job interview. I sent the email earlier this week telling them i want to join their team but i haven't heard from them since.
Suddenly everything hit me like a snow avalanche. I'm 25, i'm out of work, i have nothing tangible to look forward to and like i always know how, i cried. How is this happening?
A year ago, everything seems wonderful. I have somewhat decent job with a decent pay. Although the environment i'm in not a pleasant one, i'm confident that the job is a great kickstart for me. I also have another tangible thing to look forward to.
Press forward to early 2013. For one reason, i quit my job, which i regretted until this second and that 'tangible' thing is just another memory. Another broken promises. Another disappointment.
So where am i going now? Many people say i should just be thankful for today and believe me i do. I say thanks to Allah for the air i'm still allowed to breath in. But i'm human. I have good days, i have bad days. Today, is not so good.
Other than the happiness that i get see my mother and sisters every morning, i start questioning who i am.
Yes, i know, i'm well aware that in the age i am in, i'm still really, really young. But at the same time, by now i haven't feel that i have accomplish so much. Seeing my friends getting successful with their career and the small family their building, making me feel worse because i feel like i'll never be as good as them. Not that i'm not happy for them, i am. I am the most happy when the people that i love is happy.
And what makes me more disappointed that i throw away many opportunity because of someone. I'm not going to blame anyone for it for i know, it's all my fault. I'm the one that allowing this to happen to myself.
Yes, i'm sorry if i'm whining, i just need to. I don't really care if someone going to read this or not, this is my way of letting things out because talking about it doesn't give me any result anymore.
I'm feeling down, i'm sad, i'm starting to lose hope. I'm disappointed by the works that i'm putting into didn't turn out the way i thought it should be. I don't know where to run, so i'm here, typing, complaining, which i don't want to but i just have to, just this one time. I promise (cross my heart).
Young or old, we all been there where all you want to do is go to sleep and wake up when everything is better. Like everyone said, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and believe me i'm just not sitting here waiting for the light to come closer. I am running now, like never before.
Someone once said to me that i'm just a spoiled brat. My easy life had made me lazy and i don't know the meaning of hard work. That word stuck with me. I tried to blocked it but every time i failed, that words comes and haunt me. Maybe i am who the person said i am. I'm just a lazy stuck up princess that don't want anything less than a fairy tale.
I feel like i'm going no where. I strongly believe in Allah, i know He will provide for me, i know He is looking out for me but i don't believe in myself. For the first time i'm trying to do things for myself, for my own happiness, i never know how to do that.
All my life, ever since i can remember, i always try to make other people happy. If that by making fun of me, talking down on me, doing things beyond measure for someone else, i always try to do that because in my book, my happiness comes from others. Until i realise, making other people happy doesn't necessary will make the other person want to make us happy as well. Another disappointment.
Who am i? What makes ME happy? I guess i'm trying to figure it out now, this second.
Where am i going with this? Honestly no where. When your going through a hardship, you always feel like your the only one who's going trough it. Maybe one positive thing that i can give is, you are not alone (insert MJ's song here). People have hardship and your certainly not the first and the last that will go trough it.
I know what your going trough. All we can do is to go back up again, you can sit down first, cry as much as you like, rant as much as you like but don't forget to get back on your feet again and just do the same thing all over when you stumble, again. Don't ever stop or just simply go to sleep and do it another day.
<3
Fit
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